The Best I could

Growing up without a father I was determined, should I be blessed with children, I would never leave their side. Little did I realize without someone to model myself after, I was lacking the tools that help develop a boy into a man and then a father. I always believed giving my children what I lacked growing up would be sufficient. How wrong I was. Although I had a great mother, I failed to realize, then, that she was raising two boys on her own and she may have needed to be a little tougher and stricter than most. Mom loved us to a fault, but sometimes a kinder word may have softened our characters, but when you are poor, deprived of an education, and lacked support you do the best you can.

For a brief time my brother and I had what you would call a step father. If memory serves it was between the ages of 5-10. I’m sure there must have been some good times but I only remember the beatings my mother and I received. Unfortunately and subconsciously this affected what I believed a father should be. Today, I realize the deep impact he had on me, but I also have learned how broken he was as well. I understand why he did what he did – it was what he had learned as a child.

As a father, I hoped for nothing but success for my children. I tried to provide them with everything they needed to achieve that success. In working towards the tangible things they needed, I neglected to provide that kinder word. The intent was there, the want was there, but I fell short on the act itself. Simply because I did not know how, because where I came from this would be considered vulnerability and a man cannot risk being vulnerable.

Today, I wish I had had the courage to be vulnerable. I have learned that a man’s strength comes from realizing his failures and learning from them. It’s OK to make mistakes and allowing your children to be spectators, so they too can learn from them. It saddened me to hear my son say that his children are getting the grandfather he wished he had as a father. All I could do was apologize and implore him to be a better father than I was.

Recent events in my life have me questioning whether being present in my children’s lives has made a positive or negative impact. Are the opportunities that I missed for that kinder word that imperative in a child’s life? Is the message more important than the delivery? I know I gave the message, I also know the intent and affection behind it but apparently it was not received. I know my mother gave me the message and I chose to receive or dismiss it.

My heart is broken and although logically I know I was the best father I could be, I can’t help wonder if I could have done something different. My advice would be to love your children and guide them the best way you can not the best way you know how. We must break the cycle and learn better ways to communicate with our children. I am living proof that what worked on me did not work on my children. We are blessed to live in a time where technology provides us information at an instant. We should take advantage of it; not just to play a game, but to better ourselves and those around us. I am not a religious man but god knows I love my children and I did the best I could.